I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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