don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
