I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
