fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
