that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
