We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
