i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
