You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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