he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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