Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Green mimosas i think yes
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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