i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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