her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
