You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
