we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
