currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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