I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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