I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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