Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
