It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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