I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
