i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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