She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
