For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
