I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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