hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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