My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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