Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
