Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
