My sheets look like a crime scene.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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