Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
