i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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