Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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