he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm at about main and main street
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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