Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
