So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
