i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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