Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
