the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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