Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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