Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
