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You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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