i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
