You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
