my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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