I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
