Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
