Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
