I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
