I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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