I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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