I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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