Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
